I wish I were writing about a trip we took to Providence, RI to see the leaves change to vibrant hues of red, orange, and gold. Or writing about our trip to Providence Hospital, here in Waco, to take our birthing class. Oh no, God has been working in the lives of the Harris family in much greater ways.
I hate telling really personal things on the internet...not that I do not love and trust all you, bloggy friends. I think it makes things more real and me more vulnerable. However, I know that many of you are very supportive and are prayer warriors. With that being said, let me just start this story by getting to the heart of the matter. Last week we had a big scare...if gross stories are not for you, stop reading now and skip to the lesson learned part of the story. I started bleeding... not a little. Every mommy-to-be's nightmare!!! Like anyone else would do, I called my doctor. They asked me protocol questions and did not seem to be overly alarmed. I was told if the situation got worse; I was to go to the hospital that night. If it was not getting better by morning and if I started cramping; I was to come in the next day. Well, it got better, THANK YOU JESUS, and eventually stopped. Still the worrying mommy inside of me wanted confirmation that everything was alright and that Little Bit Harris was still cooking away! So, Friday morning before Flint left for Stillwater with the football team, I insisted that we go ahead and go to the doctor. I did not want something to get worse while Flint was out of town for the weekend. So, we went to the doctor. They first checked for the heartbeat. We immediately heard it and that was the most emotional I have been at one of our doctor visits thus far. They then did a mini ultrasound. We saw our little one on the big screen and I was just plain beautiful! I was eventually diagnosed with having had some of my placenta break off. Apparently, I had been "overdoing it". I was then instructed to get in bed and stay there for a few days and after that to take it easy...really easy. Which does not come easy for me. I promise I am getting to the point of my story.
So, I had a few days alone. By myself. In bed. Just me and God (and of course Sophie and Katie, who are my little love bug, puppy dogs!) I did a lot of thinking and praying and praising God. A word that He has repeatedly laid on my heart and mind this fall is "Providence". I did a little research on the word and it's true meaning is:
1. foreseeing care and guidance of God (or nature) over the creatures of the earth. (we will stick to the God part)
2. God when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence.
This word has come up in my BSF lessons several times over the last seven weeks. One paragraph from a lesson a few weeks back said
"God is the God of providence, the God of every circumstance, however great or small. The God who guides the stars also directed the steps of Pharaoh's daughter who came to the Nile to bathe at this spot and at this moment."
This is referring to Pharaoh's daughter finding baby Moses in the Nile, saving his life, and ultimately playing a part in the big picture of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt.
The lesson went on to say
"we need to trust God in all circumstances, not just the pleasant ones." Just as Moses' mom, Jochebed, did.
"Job knew this and said 'Though he may slay me, yet I will hope in him' Job 13:15."
I have been convicted. I begged and begged for God to keep my child safe. Instead, I should have been praying, "Lord, not my will but thine be done." What a hard lesson to learn. God does not do anything without purpose. This is NOT a new concept to me, it has just become more and more of a reality as I have studied the life of Moses and after facing my own adversity.
I have another confession. We have not been real happy since we have moved to Waco. There, I said it. Not that there is anything wrong with Waco. It really gets a bad wrap. It is more than that. Flint's job has been a tough situation, we still have a house for sale in Northwest Arkansas, and to make matters worse, we have been stripped of all of our friends and family that we were surrounded by and are being forced to make new friends. I know this may seem caddy and in the whole scheme of life, it probably is. However, I do not feel that HE makes mistakes and HE made both Flint and I to love and to need others- after all, we are called to have fellowship with other believers.
Yep, you guessed it. God is dealing with me again. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us. He promises to provide. I know that He has not brought us to Waco to leave us and I know that we are not here without good reason.
I know that solitude is a gift from God. Through this time He is teaching. I have learned just how fragile life is as I begin to feel Little Bit Harris move and kick around and as I watch my mother-in-law fight for her life. The Lord has shown me that He giveth and He can also take way. For the first time in my life, I have been stripped of that which is comfortable and that which I love. I miss my home, my family, and my friends. However, I have never felt more blessed. I am learning that it is not about my timing; it is ALL about God's timing. I am learning what it means to have complete dependence on my Savior-
I am thankful.
9 hours ago